I adore Halloween. I love theme parties anyway, and it’s a huge, creepy masquerade, and there’s candy and pumpkins and houses decked out with cobwebs and jointed skeletons. Joy!
When I was in fifth grade, I decided I wanted to be an executioner, designed the costume, and my mom sewed it. I scared my teacher (I did!). This comic is in Monkey Food:
This year I was a post-catfight beauty pageant winner. See, there was this beauty pageant sponsored by Glade, on account of their new Carpet and Room Deodorizer fragrance, “Island Mist.” I said to myself, “Belynda? You may be a divorced single mother of two loser teenagers, and you may be stuck forever in Allentown, Pennsylvania, and it’s been a long time since winning the Pumpkin Queen crown.. but darn it, I want that year’s supply of Johnson Wax products, up to $1000! I use practically that much in Windex as it is!!
“And now it’s over and I WON, I WON, you hear that, Mindi??! Believe you me, I won fair and square, no matter what that nut job jealous bitch says. She tried to choke me and totally scratched my face, can you see? Jealousy is ugly. You hear that, Mindi?! U-G-L-Y, UGLY!!”
“Somebody get this ugly bitch off me!”
“My face! My beautiful face!”
“Fuck you, Mindi!!”